


There and Back Again

by mage_989



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Isolation, Loneliness, McSpirk Holiday Fest, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 03:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8430430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_989/pseuds/mage_989
Summary: McCoy's wakes up to a world he doesn't know.  His friends are just colleagues.  His lovers barely give him a passing glance.  As the isolation and loneliness grows he starts to fear there's no way to fix what has gone so very wrong.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the McSpirk Holiday Fest Halloween round and inspired by a wonderful prompt from the lovely sugarcreamcoffee.
> 
> Unbetaed so any remaining mistakes are all mine.

McCoy held his half-finished coffee close to him as he navigated the halls and headed into sickbay.

“Morning, Christine.”

“Doctor,” she answered offhandedly, giving him barely a glance before she went back to her rounds.

McCoy raised his eyebrows at her response. He’d woken up the wrong side of the bed this morning, but he didn’t think everyone else had too. Still he let it go and continued on to his office. As the door closed behind him he rubbed the back of his neck and downed the last of his coffee. It had been one of those nights were it felt like he’d just closed his eyes and then the alarm was blaring. The fact that he, Jim, and Spock had argued last night and he’d gone to bed mad certainly hadn’t helped. 

He sat down at his desk and rubbed his eyes with a long sigh, trying to fight off the headache that lingered even with the aspirin he’d taken. He wondered idly if maybe he was coming down with something.

Thankfully it was an uneventful morning with only minor injuries and basic checkups to run and McCoy felt more like himself by the time lunch rolled around. So he scanned the mess hall, tray in hand, and spotted his wayward lovers sitting at a table along the far wall.

It was better to do this now and he knew it. So he squared his shoulders, set his mouth in determination, and walked over to them.

“Mind if I sit down?”

They didn’t say anything, but they both moved over to leave a space for him and McCoy took that as a good sign. He started off slowly, eating some of his meal quietly before asking them about things on the bridge, receiving simple one word answers from Jim and nothing at all from Spock.

“So I take it no one wants to discuss last night then?”

Spock at last looked up from his tray.

“Last night, Doctor McCoy, I completed five experiments in the labs and-”

McCoy cut him off.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Spock, I know we-”

“And don’t insult a fellow officer, Doctor McCoy.”

McCoy snapped his mouth shut at that formal address.

“I know everyone needs time to adjust to a new ship, but I will not tolerate such behaviour from my crew.” 

Now McCoy was just confused.

“Jim, what are you talking about?”

“You will also refrain from addressing superior officers colloquially, Doctor McCoy. You have only been with us three months, but that time is more than sufficient to understand the need for proper decorum within the chain of command.” 

McCoy’s blood ran cold as he realized that something was very, very wrong.

“Excuse me I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.”

McCoy all but ran back to his office and locked himself in.

Deep breaths, deep calming breaths, he told himself there had to be a logical explanation for this.

Checking the computer he was confronted with the fact that the stardate was different. Spock was right it was three months after he had come aboard the ship. Somehow it seemed they had gone back in time to right when he first joined the crew. That explained the cooler attitudes from everyone, except Jim, but when had this happened and how? And why had Chekov shown up that morning for his exam when he shouldn’t be on the ship yet, and certainly not in a gold shirt. 

He began going through files and logs and found that Joanna was still his emergency contact. He sent her a message. Thinking that if whatever was going on had only affected the ship maybe she could help give him some proper perspective. As he continued going through thinks looking for an alien race that could create this grand illusion or a space anomaly that has tossed them into an alternate universe he found nothing major that would explain this. All the facts lined up, many of their missions were missing, but there were no great catastrophes that would account for any of this.

His headache flared up again as he tried to deal with it all, and McCoy pillowed his arms on the desk and took a moment collect himself.

_In the next instant it felt like he was floating in a void. He could feel soft hands over his neck and chest. He caught a wisp of that new perfume Christine liked to wear. He could barely make out the sound of alerts going off._

McCoy shot up from his desk with a start.

What the hell was that?

He had no more time to think about it as he realized the klaxons belonged to this reality and he rushed out to help.

It turned out there was an accident in engineering, but only one major injury and the surgery went off without a hitch. As McCoy changed out of his scrubs and into a full uniform shirt though he noticed that he held the rank of commander instead of the lieutenant commander he would have been if he had really gone back in time. 

None of this made any sense!

He stalked out of his office, but still made sure to acknowledge Christine’s good work as he past her.

“Thank you very much, Nurse.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

She turned on her heel and left sickbay without another word.

He needed a drink.

Yes, yes that was it McCoy thought as he quickly grabbed a bottle of Brandy. He would talk to Scotty, start small, and maybe he could rebuild things back to what they should be. Perhaps it was all a test to prove the strength of bonds or whatever whoever was doing this wanted to learn.

He found Scotty and shared the brandy and…it was the most boring drink he had ever had in his life. The man did nothing but look at technical journals the entire time then left the moment his glass was empty.

Dejected and emotionally exhausted McCoy went to his quarters, sent another message to Joanna, and went to sleep.

_The smell of antiseptic filled his dreams and strange voices whispered to him._

_“Please hold on.”_

_“You are strong you will persevere.”_

The first thing McCoy did when he woke up after that unpleasantness was check the date.

It had moved forward properly so he knew he wasn’t stuck in some Groundhog Day loop, but he was still stuck in the time period that made no sense.

So he went to the labs to try and get Spock to engage in their familiar quarrels.

It lasted half an hour before he was ousted from the labs with a mark on his record for harassment, and to top it all off the voices were back. 

_“Can’t you…?”_

_“In his state I dare not.”_

So he went to Jim trying to stir the embers of friendship between them. 

“Doctor McCoy, I am not interested in being anything more than a captain to this crew. If you want more companionship we have shore leave scheduled on Risa in two weeks.”

_“Just please come back.”_

The whispering voices refused to fade and as McCoy staggered down the hall he spotted Jim and Spock playing chess in the rec room; a reminder that they truly cared for each other and he was just a third wheel.

_“Is there nothing more to be done?”_

_“It could go either way now. It’s entirely up to him.”_

Then as he returned to his quarters he found a message from Joanna. It was not filled with the reassurance that this was all an illusion that he was desperate for.

Instead there were scathing words that he was a terrible father. That he was never there for her. That she never wanted to speak to him again.

McCoy fell against the wall and slid down to the floor, his head on his knees, the loneliness settling in fully. That was it then his failure all there for him to see in black and white. He was a lousy friend, a person unworthy of love, and a rotten father. 

_“I love you, Daddy.”_

That voice was barely audible and sounded like it was going through a bad communication filter but he still recognized his little girl. And with a surge of adrenaline he reminded himself that none of that was true!

How do you know that? The loneliness asked, seeming to taunt him. 

“Because my daughter loves me!” He cried out. “I may not always know why, but I know she does! I have stacks of letter she’s written me. I can hear it in her voice when we talk and you are not taking away what I know to be true got it?!”

And as if in response to his words the world shifted. His quarters melted away, leaving only the black void and those whispering voices invaded once more. 

_“Please, Bones, I need one more chance to make it right.”_

_“I am sorry.”_

Then suddenly they were there, Jim and Spock, sitting tense in the observation lounge chairs.

McCoy was on his feet and ready to run over to them. Only with a jolt he realized that this wasn’t a conjuring from that cold hellhole. This was real. 

He remembered now. He remembered that he was the one who wanted to go back to the beginning of the mission. Back to before they wanted to leave him.

“What’s going on, Jim?”

“I just received word from Starfleet Command about the completion of our five year mission. The crew has been exceptional. Our accomplishments and discoveries will fill the history books for decades to come and they have offered me a promotion to Admiral as a reward.”

McCoy laughed, but stopped when he realized Jim wasn’t joining in. “Jim you can’t seriously be thinking of accepting?”

“Why not?”

“Because being a starship captain is your first best destiny,” Spock supplied.

“And being on Vulcan is yours I suppose!”

Spock’s demeanor was stoic and his response icy.

“That correspondence was not for you to see.”

“Yes I’m sure you were just going to keep it to yourself so you could sneak off in the middle of the night!”

“Jim, what are you talking about?”

“Our esteemed colleague has been sending messages to the masters of Gol to request the ritual of Kolinar.”

McCoy paled as he recognized the name for the purging of all emotion by Vulcans and the path to pure logic.

“Spock, why?” he asked, so sure that Spock had learned to value his emotions, and those of others. Especially given their relationship.

“I have come to the recent conclusion that indulging in emotion creates difficulty in doing our duty to the needed level of efficiency and allows potential harm to the crew. That my prolonged exposure to humans has allowed my logic to be clouded in making proper judgements.”

“And so you’ve decided unilaterally to just run off and not deal with it. And Jim is going to hightail it back to Earth to sulk behind a desk. And what the hell am I in all this chopped liver?!”

“Bones, this has nothing to do with you!”

McCoy recoiled and Jim tried to take it back.

“Bones, that-that came out wrong.”

The shock of Jim’s words quickly faded leaving McCoy with only anger.

“No, I think it came out just fine…Admiral.”

He made to leave and Spock reached for his arm.

“Leonard-”

“Don’t touch me! I wouldn’t want to containment you further, Mr. Spock.”

He scrambled away from them and they remained frozen in place, slowly fading into the darkness, and in that moment it all clicked. 

He was still here. Even if Joanna never sent him another message, and Christine and Scotty only ever talked to him while on duty he would still be here. Even if Spock and Jim both left him to pursue new goals he would still be here and would have to find new purpose and goals that no longer included them. And all that time in this world had shown him that he could do it even if it meant being really miserable. 

“Okay, okay if that’s what you want from me then I’ll let them be happy!”

He lifted his arms up and shouted to whatever had done this.

“Do you hear me, I’ll let them go! I think it’s stupid but it’s their mistakes to make and I won’t stand in their way. If they don’t want me anymore I’ll learn to live with it. To-to love myself on my own, but…” 

He watched in horror as the last images of his lovers disappeared into the inky black, leaving him truly alone.

“But I just want the chance to tell them that.”

He hit his knees as the darkness closed in.

“Please.”

***

McCoy’s eyes felt heavy this time as he tried to open them, having to blink several times before his vision cleared and revealed a private sickbay room. A new environment this was good. He raised the bed up slightly to get a better view and to his shock found Jim and Spock sitting on either side of him, asleep. And oh lord they looked awful. Spock’s normally immaculate hair was dull and unkempt. Jim looked tired even as he sat slumped in his chair, and both of them looked like they had been in those same uniforms for days.

What shocked McCoy even more though was when he looked down and saw that Spock had his arm outstretched and his first two fingers pressed to his in a Vulcan kiss.

He shifted back at the sight and that woke up Jim. Who when he saw that McCoy was awake his eyes filled with naked relief.

“Bones.”

“W-What did you say?”

Jim ignored the question and cupped his face running his fingers across the stubble that had grown there. 

“Bones.”

“You know I never thought I would miss hearing that.”

Two fingers pressed harder against his hand as all the commotion awoke Spock and he practically flew out of the chair to be closer to McCoy.

“Leonard.”

McCoy’s eyes widened as he realized the expression on Spock’s face was as vulnerable and open as that time he realized Jim was alive after the kal-if-fee.

“Okay someone needs to explain to me why you two look like something the cat dragged in and why you’re both acting like I’ve been on death’s doorstep.”

“You have been, Leonard.”

“What?” 

“We’ve been here since Scotty found you passed out on the bathroom floor five days ago.”

“Five days ago!?”

“Chapel and M’Benga still aren’t sure what exactly was wrong with you, you seemed to be exhibiting every symptom in their books and nothing was helping and…”

Jim broke off and tried discreetly to swallow the lump in his throat as Spock continued. “Until your fever broke last night we could not be certain you would survive.” 

“Oh.”

McCoy tried to think back. He vaguely recalled being sick to his stomach that night after getting back to his quarters, several times in fact like a swift onset of bad food poisoning. He thought he remembered Scotty calling to him, asking him if he was all right through the bathroom door, but after that nothing; nothing, but that world where he was so alone without friends, without family, without…them.

It was then that he remembered what he had promised to do.

“Spock, Jim, I know this isn’t going to make any sense, but I’ve had time to think about what happened between us before all this and I just need to tell you that it's okay. I don’t agree with what you two want to do, but if it’s what you both want I’ll accept that and step back from us being an us.”

Jim sat back in shock and let those words sink in. Then, true to form, he threw himself in the fray to try and fix things, pouring his feelings out to the one he had rejected. 

“I don’t want that at all, Bones, you were right, being an admiral piloting a desk, it’s not me. When I got that notice I had just seen Spock’s letters to Vulcan by accident. I jumped the gun and said stupid things, because I thought all that we had together was going to be over when he left,” he took McCoy’s hand in his own and clasped it tightly, “but you were still here and I let myself forget that. I’m sorry.”

McCoy nodded and turned his gaze to the Vulcan at his side.

“And you, Spock? I can’t imagine the last five days have put us emotional humans in a favourable light.”

“On the contrary your illness has put into _stark_ contrast what I will lose by returning to Vulcan and attempting to purge that which I should not.”

He stood up straighter and took a deep breath to allow some of his usual composure to return.

“Jim was correct in that I did wish to leave without informing either of you so my certainty in my choice could not be challenged. It is illogical and quite unbecoming of a scientist for me to not seek out other viewpoints and insist that my way is right in the face of objections. Over these last days, Leonard, I have seen your team work tirelessly to save you. They did this out of sense of friendship and duty, but within that duty they remained composed and level-headed. Never proposing wild theories without evidence, never letting emotionalism override rationality; and yet if anything their devotion to you only made them more focused on the task at hand not less as I believed would be the case.”

“It was enlightening to witness and it made me realize that an attempt to purge half of what I am is not what I should seek. I must forge my own path and surround myself with those who accept me as I am and don’t seek to mold me into what they think I should be.” 

Spock reached for Jim and McCoy, covering their hands with his own.

“All that I need is here.” 

Both Jim and Spock pressed themselves close to him then, so close that the biobed started to protest having so many new bio readings and McCoy smiled for the first time in what felt like ages. 

He continued to smile even when Christine came in to talk about further tests and recovery time and then yelled at him to never scare her like that again, because he knew he was back where he belonged.

With the people that loved him.

The End


End file.
